Brain Waste

10:15pm: Brad-ku
I'm writing haiku
In my new journal entry
for shits and giggles

Lately life just sucks
But I go on anyway
I think I just need some change

As I grow older
I feel like time moves faster
It's really unfair

Stepped in a puddle
Both of my new shoes got wet
It was very cold

It's better this way
Being alone isn't bad
My path is clearer

I had soup for lunch
It was really overpriced
But man, was it good

That was my day
It's not very exciting
But I wrote haiku

5:36pm: Life goes on but break ups suck. And a rant.
So sometimes it's just so damned hard to be happy. Despite my short term goals being happy is my only real long term goal. And it seems like I should try harder, or at least keep trying. I know that no matter how short my little breaks with the misery of life are I should be thankful for them. But sometimes I'm just pissed. Like right now I'm pissed, I had something that made me happy and BAM, gone. And this seems to be the trend. It's very frustrating and makes me feel like I'm not really in control of my life. And for what it's worth I'm doing my best not to act like some galavanting little bitch that is depressed all the time. In fact I'm being pretty stoic in my opinion. Because getting over the pissy-ness is much more important to me than being pissy. But it gets me to thinking sometimes, whenever I have something or someone I like and I lose it, it is rarely a result of my choices, don't get me wrong I'm not saying I don't make mistakes. It just seems that lately no one talks to me when there are problems and then informs me at the last minute that everything has, in fact, gone completely to shit.

Which brings me to my next point. WHY THE HELL DOESN'T ANYONE COMMUNICATE ANYMORE!? I swear, life could be so effing simple if everyone just realized that life is way too short to be wearing a mask all the time and just damn tell people what you mean. Or what you're feeling. Or what you think is right and wrong. But people are so commited to sabotaging themselves and their ability to be happy out of some twisted form of modesty that apparently is taught to most everyone in our generation. Being modest isn't letting people walk all over you and feeling guilty whenever you catch a break. But everyone acts like this. And people it seems are becoming so poisoned by politically correct culture that we can't even share the smallest things that offend us anymore. Even though our first goddamned ammendment right is free speech! Even our government incourages us to have opinions(whether they realize this or not.) But I guess what I'm getting at is that it seems ludicrous to me that we consider watching out for ourselves "selfish", I mean,... there's a fine line there to be sure. But a little courage and self respect would do most of the people I have met in my short life a lot of good. Especially self respect. We really need to kick the media in the face for this one for giving us outlandish standards for living. I'm reasonably happy with my body the way it is and could probably improve it, but I don't have thirty hours a week to work out and the ass-campers on the tube seem to think that if I'm not born ripped and awesome that I suck. But I guess the whole "anger at the media" subject should probably go on a different rant since this has gotten pretty long.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you ever hate yourself... or even if life just sucks. Change it. Do whats good for you because that's how I'm trying to live and life is too short and complex to allow other people to constantly take a dump in your cheerios. Also keep them away from the cheerios because a decent breakfast is very important.

Sorry for bitching so much,
Brad

7:54pm: It has been a very long while since I have posted but I remembered that I had this set up and decided to post. Since I last posted Jess and I have broken up, it's sad but I'm dealing with it. We aren't fighting or even mad at each other but there just wasn't any passion between us I suppose. Alexander, (we named the baby alexander for those of you who don't know) is walking and has just started to talk. It's hilarious when he tries to say spongebob. I recently started working at iRepair and fix x-boxes for a living now. I'm terrible at it but I am hopeful and getting a little better. I've moved twice, once to pekin with Jess and now I live in a little two bedroom apt. with Andy. Also, dating sucks.

I had the most surreal dream last night. I was back with Jess and we were living somewhere where there were a lot of trees in an upper story condo. It was some time from now and summer time so the weather was perfect. Alexander was a little older, he was still very little but he could talk. The strangest part was that we had another child, a little girl. She had my eyes. It wouldn't have gotten to me that much but it was so vivid. So much so that it was kind of depressing to wake up, have you ever had one of those dreams that you had to think about for a few seconds to realize you're awake? It was like that. What I've learned from this is that my subconcious is an asshole.

~Brad

2:18pm: Just so's you know, I still haven't talked to my mom, I was going to today but she left the house before I got up, so I'm just gonna tell her without jessica tomorrow, also, its pretty public now, so my previous threat about talking about it is taken away now, just please don't make it a point of gossip, if I find one of you people talking shit I'll brain ya'

~Brad

10:15pm: my exciting mini holiday type thing\
I got a serious lesson in being awesome over the last couple of days, see, I was all ready to go to my girlfriends place for 3 days and do nothing but spend time with her. This is awesome, we NEVER get to be alone AND in a private residence. So tuesday I was excited, work took forever in wretched anticipation of the goodness the evening would bring, when BAM, my drivers side tire goes out like a supernova.

This isn't that bad, just a 20 dollar boo boo that I can handle, the problem is, I can't afford to get my car towed And the junk yards are all closed because its neerly 6, so I can't get a replacement till tomorrow. So there I am, on the edge of mossville, Jessica is coming to pick me up and my tire is flat. I get my stuff and the valuables in my car, leave a note with my number in case a cop comes along so someone will tell me if my car is impounded and go on to a wonderful evening.

The next morning we got into jess' truck and went to go get the replacement tire and work it all out, only to find the truly inspiring sight of a beer bottle and had been HURLED through my reer windsheild.... I am livid.
what kind of fucking world do we live in where teenagers get stupid drunk and ruin shit on WEEKNIGHTS!? Now I have a janky looking peice of clear painting tarp taped over the back of my car, not to mention I'm pretty sure I have an oil leak and I still had to replace the tire, thus a 20 dollar problem slowly works its way to the big leagues....

I
HATE
STUPID
PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On the upside, the time I got to spend with my darling jessica was wonderful, and while it didn't make up for my car's new found ghetto-fication, it certainly made it a lot easier to deal with.

2:06am: MY THROAT IS SO SORE AND I DON'T KNOW WHY!!!!! I'm not sick, not at all, but my nose is running and I've been hacking up more shit than a 60 year old prostitute in a meth lab with the windows shut. No fever, I'm not tired or anything, it doesn't stop me from eating, though it makes drinking water a little unpleasent... I'm taking some mucinex and ibuprofin to hopefully get this out of my throat and stop the swelling. Aside from that I'm pretty good, my car is being a dick, but that's nothing new. Things with jessica are great. Work is pleasently mediocre. And I'm pretty sure I should be getting my new glasses tomorrow, something a little more contemporary than the gigantic black ones with the weird wire ear things. Thats me for now, ciao.

~Brad

11:42pm: my mind, it sucks
Grrr, something is wrong and I don't know what it is, I think it may have started around the time that I stopped taking classes, but my sense of creativity has been completely stunted. I'm doing my damdest to change this around, but I think to some degree, I need to start all over, maybe start from drawing 1 at icc, obviously I can not afford this... For that matter, I'm not even sure if I want to keep my major art, and I've taken plenty of classes that I passed that would turn into meaningless electives, so putting more money into it... sigh.

On the upside, I've been learning to deal with my own sense of inadequacy much better lately, I still get bouts of underconfidence driven depression, but it has gotten to the point where I can talk myself out of just about any funk with plain ol' common sense, well, and a little nudge from jessica every now and again.

I'm working on one story right now, its a plan that will eventually be a graphic novel, I think the idea sort of started brewing my first semester at icc and I remembered it the other day, I finally decided how it needs to end, and what the best way to start it is, now just to fill all that empty space int he middle....

~Brad

5:34pm: Sorry this one is so long, I don't know how to do the link thing that makes it smaller :-(
Whats going on guys? Yet another of my infrequent posts here to keep you entertained bye my AMAZING life. I recently got to go through a whole soap opera, now it was entirely my fault mind you, but still, it sucked....

So I met girl A right? Well, girl A is great, and she is secure, and provides the ideal of a good future and between you and me isn't to shabby when the lights are off. Girl A and I decide to date, but around the time I met girl A, girl B came into my life. Girl B is attractive, creative and most importantly, whenever we are together, we don't stop smiling until we are apart, like, seriously, the first couple of times we hung out my face hurt afterwords. So I become entranced by the inherent glamour of girl B, in the mean time girl A is pushing me harder and harder for a serious "just you and me" sort of relationship. While I am with girl A I'm not a complete skank folks, so I'm playing the "just friends" card as well as I can, and for the most part, she thought I wasn't interested in her and played the same card, but it did become harder with each passing night out with her not to confess my heart to her. And through all that girl A is giving me more and more crap, as it is hard to make her understand that I might be falling for someone else and I don't know what I want right now.

But, all things must come to an end, eventually I had to tell girl B how I feel about her. And just my luck, she tells me that she has been through the same problems keeping her feelings from me, so, now I had that to deal with. Suffice it to say that my feelings for girl A were lacking the intensity of those I harbor for girl B, and I knew the course I had to take. This is the strangest part, I go to girl A to tell her that we shouldn't see each other anymore, and I totally chickened out, she ambushed me with talk of how good her day was and how she was happy and she liked me and that sort of thing. So I left feeling like a complete failure and more or less a bad person for leading her on. That night I went to a movie with girl B, and during the movie I got a call. Now I didn't take this call since I was in the middle of a movie(apocolypto bye the way, see it, its awesome)but afterwords I noticed that I had new voice mail. And there's girl A, telling me that she's not happy anymore and that its best if we weren't together and that she hopes we can still talk and hang out in the future. WTF M8!?

Well, long story short, thats how I met my current girlfriend. Who I, despite this making me contradict everyone of you assholes that I've said was moving to fast and needed to think about things more before going foward, am madly in love with. She's totally worth the struggle involved with getting her... but enough of my mushy-ness.

Also a noteable moment in life, I lost my job a couple of weeks ago, and the hunt has been on. I start working at borders today at 2 in the pm, and I totally get a thirty percent dicount, so don't abuse it, but if any of you really needs a book, just hand me the cash and I'll totally get it for you. I'm so excited.

I suppose thats me for now, laters guys!
~Brad

6:34am: Ugh, I hate that emotions don't make sense, its just a careful tightrope walk between security and attraction I guess...
Anyways, I'm going to seatle in 2 hours friends, 2 HOURS!!!! I can't wait. Its thrilling, I'm thrilled. Austin convinced me its a good idea to stay up all night and sleep on the plane, so here I am. Not sleeping. Its a mixed bag. But.... y'know... YAY SEATLE!!!!

3:26pm: Ana Ng` they might be giants
Make a hole with a gun perpendicular
To the name of this town in a desk-top globe
Exit wound in a foreign nation
Showing the home of the one this was written for
My apartment looks upside down from there
Water spirals the wrong way out the sink
And her voice is a backwards record
It's like a whirlpool and it never ends

Ana Ng and I are getting old
And we still haven't walked in the glow of each other's majestic presence
Listen Ana hear my words
They're the ones you would think I would say if there was a me for you

All alone at the '64 World's Fair
Eighty dolls yelling "Small girl after all"
Who was at the Dupont Pavilion?
Why was the bench still warm? Who had been there?
Or the time when the storm tangled up the wire
To the horn on the pole at the bus depot
And in the back of the edge of hearing
These are the words the voice was repeating:

Ana Ng and I are getting old
And we still haven't walked in the glow of each other's majestic presence
Listen Ana hear my words
They're the ones you would think I would say if there was a me for you

When I was driving once I saw this painted on a bridge:
"I don't want the world, I just want your half"

They don't need me here, and I know you're there (don't need me)
Where the world goes by like the humid air (world goes by)
And it sticks like a broken record
Everything sticks like a broken record
Everything sticks until it goes away (it goes home)
And the truth is, we don't know anything (don't know)

Ana Ng and I are getting old
And we still haven't walked in the glow of each other's majestic presence
Listen Ana hear my words
They're the ones you would think I would say if there was a me for you

Ana Ng and I are getting old
And we still haven't walked in the glow of each other's majestic presence
Listen Ana hear my words
They're the ones you would think I would say if there was a me for you

Ana Ng and I are getting old
And we still haven't walked in the glow of each other's majestic presence
Listen Ana hear my words
They're the ones you would think I would say if there was a me for you

end of song, post commenses now:
So I drove to indiana today with gavin to drop off his girlfriend, I'm tired now, thats my story

12:34am: such great heights, the postal servace, stuck in my head
I am thinking it's a sign that the freckles
In our eyes are mirror images and when
We kiss they're perfectly aligned
And I have to speculate that God himself
Did make us into corresponding shapes like
Puzzle pieces from the clay
True, it may seem like a stretch, but
Its thoughts like this that catch my troubled
Head when you're away when I am missing you to death
When you are out there on the road for
Several weeks of shows and when you scan
The radio, I hope this song will guide you home

They will see us waving from such great
Heights, 'come down now,' they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away,
'come down now,' but we'll stay...

I tried my best to leave this all on your
Machine but the persistent beat it sounded
Thin upon listening
That frankly will not fly. you will hear
The shrillest highs and lowest lows with
The windows down when this is guiding you home

12:00am: Dumping out the ol' shit bucket
Its a bad day, and bad days like this don't come very often. I guess thats because theres nothing thats really all that bad, a lot of small irritating things I guess, but these things don't usually get to me for very long. Theres the weather, anyone else who lives within 20 miles of me can attest to this, its wet AND cold. YAY!!! Work is so full of ass too. The boss keeps seating people ten or five minutes before the kitchen is supposed to close, so I get screwed and the chef starts bitching like no other. I've been feeling more and more like I'm a complete hack at all the art that I've spent the better part of my life studying for, and whats worse is that no one is reasurring me on this so I have to beleive that this worry isn't completely baseless, though this is more of a general problem than part of todays suckage.

Being around a girl is bringing a lot of problems too, I didn't foresee that, none of it is her either. I just realized today that pretty much every girl I've gotten close to has hurt me, with the exception of jenny whom I always kept am armlength away, and I ended hurting her. So I guess I just don't feel good enough for her on account of shes not a crazy emotionally whacked bitch. Or else I'm afraid that if we do get too close it'll just end up in the trash with all the other emotions I had.... god I hate being cliche. At least the obvious emo overtones of this post are making me smile XD. Not to mention not being sure this girl is the one I'm ready to stop looking for girls for(but I guess everyone has that problem in the realm of searching for a mate) I think I've managed to complain about a lady on most of my posts lately, I'm sorry for that. Its also a problem that we are just dating, and nothing more. She sort of treats me like a side project or like she just turns a switch on and off that decides whether or not I'm important and I don't know how well I can tolerate that.

So back to today, I was gonna cook dinner for some of my friends, not only did everyone but jon crap out on me, but the pasta turned out to be really crappy and got all starchy and turned the water slimy and white, I had to do three cold washes in the pot just to make it edible. I'm talking laundry grade starch here. The moral of that story: never buy cub brand cappolini.

Well, sorry if my emo post annoyed you, but I needed to unload.

8:12pm: So I went to lunch with an old friend today and we talked, and at the end of the semester I may move to chicago. I've got a few months to figure it out, but it just seems like a big descision, and it is. on one hand my mind is telling me I'd be a fool to let this pass me by, but on the other I don't nescissarily want to just up and leave.... so I have to think about it.

1:43am: Hey, by the way, I never posted on it, that thing with my basement, its alright now, while I did lose half of my clothes and my basement is in shambles(missing carpet and big parts of the walls) the house is and has been liveable for a bit now, clint was good enough to let me stay with him through it and I'm at home... just thought I'd clue you all in!

9:34am: I hate it when I feel like I have a lot to say and then get on here with nothing. I've just been a little down for a couple of days, and sometimes that confuses me, because I do everything I can to keep it from everyone, and then get on this freakin journal and pour it all out like no ones buisness.... ah the mysteries of my heart, so deep and nonsensical that not even I understand them..... or maybe they're just dumb.... hmm. Anyways, I've just been fealing a highschool level resurgance of underconfidence lately, really..... really I don't even care if I succeed or not, I just wish I could let myself be confident about something and do my damdest to succeed even if I failed. But thats just not how it is, and I'm not sure how to change that about myself. And this portains to so many things in my life, women, money, jobs, school,....so many things, I just don't man up and do my best because I think I'm gonna fail.

Well, thats enough emo bullhonkey for now, on the brighter side, I may have met someone, or maybe not..... but I may have met someone. We've been hanging out a lot lately and she's really cool, but I can't tell exactly what I think about the nature of the "freindship/relationship/whatever" thing we have going on, thats probably good, because really, I'm worried that I'm going to seem non aggressive and she's gonna get bored of me, but on the other hand, I really wanna take things slow,.... just a nice slow building relationship with lots of steps and moments... instead of jumping headlong into something that it turns out I never really wanted in the first place. So, pretty much I have to wait till this becomes an appropriate conversation to have with her(as if that'll ever happen.)So if it seems like I'm worrying, remind me that its entirely too early to be worrying, and that I'm thinking too much again, because thats what I do.... but you all love me for it, right XD. Anyways, seriously, I need to start getting ready for work, .... and I need to start posting on this regularily again, I guess thats the point of a journal, to keep it going and all.... well... see yah!

11:17pm: life is just alright
I had a good day, a great day in fact, you should ask me about it. Anyhow, lately things have been pretty alright. I went to a party last night and despite the aforementioned goodness of the day was hung over for a good deal of it. The party is where the goodness starts though, I was very much intoxicated. Dyed my hair again, its a chocolate brown now, I likes it. went out with jen to hang out, saw a movie and stuff. got to put some mentos in some diet coke. Y'know, good ol' fashioned fun. Anyhow, I can't think of much to type right now so I'll see ya'll latar!

10:05pm:

8:50pm: thats so me

Your Famous Last Words Will Be:

"I dunno, press the button and find out."

11:52pm: Man, so a object lesson in suckage. I got home from gavins this morning to do some laundry before going to work and what do I find? The basement has flooded from a broken pipe in the basement, all of our downstairs furniture, the carpet, most of our possesions AND HALF OF MY CLOTHES have been ruined. I think that half of my good t-shirts are gone now and my only currently wear-able pair of jeans. YAY. I am utterly dissapointed in this particular turn in the road of life. So I'm staying at Clints for the next couple of days, bless his little heart. Some good things are going on, I made 85 bucks at work, but only waited two tables and I got a copy of the original ninja turtles. THats it for now, so,.... things sort of suck.

7:53pm: Another post
JI payed my tuition today, so I'm glad that thats over with. At first I was all like Yeah school! socializing and foxxy ladies! Then I remembered that I'm taking night classes so I'm gonna be with a bunch of old people or weird night people. And japanese is mostly otaku and old people whoes children are marrying japanese women or doing something related to japan. We had a good time at frizbee yesterday, and I guess I will close my lack lack of thoughts with:"MuthaFUCKIN SNAKES on a MUTHA FUCKIN PLANE!!!!"

7:19pm: It has been a while, but I think that I start all of my posts with something along those lines anymore. So, I have a car, and its my car and I have it and its exciting and fuel efficient. She's a 1989 honda accord. I haven't decided a name for her yet, but she's definately a lady. As far as other things are going, I'm enjoying some time with my friends, but I've noticed that as work and stuff like that goes on its hard for people to find time for each other, which can really hurt. On the other hand I get more time to myself, not that I nescissarily wanted it, but if I have it I might as well use it. On a completely different subject, I've had this reacurring(did I spell that right?) dream since I was about 13 years old where theres this girl, and all I can really remember about her, well distinctly at least, is that she has blonde hair. She also always has some sort of mystical aspect about her person, once she formed out of the mud, or she'll be in some ancient shaman hut or stuff like that. Now, I don't beleive that dreams tell the future as a general rule so I'm trying to figure out what the hell my brain is trying to tell me right now. It makes me think of this they might be giants song that has a line somewhere along the lines of:
"Ana Ng and I are getting old
but we still haven't walked in the glow
of each others majestic presence"
I guess thats all I really have to say right now, so.... um..... Later!

6:59pm: So on with the other things in life. Work has sucked lately, but frisbee started W00T!!! By the way, we play on wednesdays and sundays at 4:00. My summer starts getting better here. I'm going to a friends graduation party tomorrow(having friends in highschool makes me feel old, or maybe like a pervert.... I'm not sure which) Lately I've been playing this game called killer7 and it is CRAZY!!! man, theres this guy with 7 different personalities and ghosts follow him around and there are these crazy guys that smile all the time and explode when they hit you! I think theres a story in there somewhere but all I can get is that japan is gone. So, aside from crazy video games and social mishaps, I feel alright, but thats stretching it a little bit. I don't have much to talk about right now though so I'll see you next time.

6:56pm: Me and Jenny broke up tuesday, I did the breaking up, I feel really guilty about it because it hurt her so much, and I don't want to talk about it right now but I'm updating my journal so I thouhgt I should mention it.

5:34pm: WTF!?!?
OMG WTF BIRTHDAY!? Thats right my crackers, its my birthday tomorrow, and my party is gonna be friday evening at the plank road pub. But tommorrow after work I'm gonna play pool with some people and some of my underage friends, so you should call me if'ns you want to get in on all the sweet Brad love!!

12:55am: random post
Aw man, its been a while.... again. So I'm on jons computer right now, and I'm doing alright. I'm in this weird in between phase with work. They were recently bought and the new owner is changing a lot of stuff, but I think its gonna be for the better and the place is finally gonna start making some money for me. I'm also officially getting a car. Once I can get plates, insurance, stickers and the change of ownership forms. But I have the car. Yay? I also have my phone back and its the same number as before, if oyu don't know it then just leave a message here and I'll get it to you. Well, I'll see all ya'll laters.